Goodbye

"Every soul shall have a taste of death: And only on the Day of Judgment shall you be paid your full recompense. Only he who is saved far from the Fire and admitted to the Garden will have attained the object (of Life): For the life of this world is but goods and chattels of deception."

Surah Al-Imran, 185

My Maktok passed away suddenly on 6 June 2011. She left us without properly saying goodbye. The sad news came as a shock to my family, let alone to me who is thousand of miles away from home. When I heard the news, I was a few hours away from sitting my Financial Law paper and I could not think whether I should be sad or worry about my paper at the same time.

I have been thinking about her until today, as much as I have accepted her passing. Whenever I think of her, I can only cry and reminisce of my childhood memories - she took care of me when I was growing up and I have always been one of the 'favourite cucus' to her, the one that will always have a dear place to her heart.

I saw her the last time when I was back for a short trip to KL in April. Mak G and I sent her back to Muar for a day-trip since she wanted to go back home after spending 2 weeks at my Paksu's home in Puchong. The visit was brief and short and I never knew that it would be a one final visit. Initially, I was quite upset with Mak G for asking me to go back to Muar with her as I just arrived from London the day before. No matter how shitty I was feeling at that time - battling with a minor jet-lag, fatigue and not able to spend a quiet day with Y at home, I relented as I did not want to hurt Mak G's feelings. I slept and kept quiet most of the time in the car as a sign of protest. That was me being childish.

I did help Maktok to prepare her bed. Her brass bed was rickety and had one broken leg so I exchanged with another bed in Abah, my grandfather's room. Mak G wanted to buy a new bed then, but as we were rushing to go back to KL, Mak G told Maktok that she had to make do with the temporary bed and will buy a new one later.

When Mak G was in the hospital doing her knee surgery, she called my phone and apologised so many times for not being able to be there for my mother.

It is all in memories now. Going back to Muar will not be the same anymore. Abah has to live alone without Maktok by his side. And soon, Abah's time will come too, despite us not knowing when.

I am sad beyond words. This is the second time that someone very close to me has passed on, unexpectedly. I usually choose to hide my feelings. I may look strong but I am human too - I can cry even if I have the slightest misunderstanding with Y over petty issues. And being away far from home has made me the most sensitive person that I can be, what more with struggling with my final exams at the moment.

Maktok, thank you for taking care of me and I am sorry I was not there before you were laid to rest. Trust me, Ily sedih sampai hari ni sebab tak dapat jumpa Maktok, padahal Ily dah nak balik dalam beberapa lagi...



Al-fatihah.